Pagan Wings

Hey, Guess What?

You’ll never guess, so i’ll just tell you.  =)

I’ve moved! Come see my new blog at

Many Thanks,



Words: Quiet Focus


1635–45; : fireplace, hearth


1. center, heart, core, nucleus, spotlight, centre of attention.


Well I guess that’s interesting.

In one of the posts on Christine Kane’s website, the phrase “I knew it was my word by how strongly I wanted to put it back and draw out one of the other two” was used  – I know the feeling.

I even went back through my words to really pick out those which resonated with my inner core. A part of the issue was the terminology. Focus doesn’t sound as poetic as “soar” or “intend” or “quiet”. I think I’d picked a word out.. four or five times, and got ‘focus’ for three of those. So I went to the thesaurus and upon seeing “spotlight, centre of attention” withdrew. That’s something I’m trying to decrease right now.

“Be aware that choosing a word can bring challenges you’d rather not deal with. And that’s not a coincidence.”  ~Laura Mixon:  I think that’s another reason I’m holding back from Focus.

However, some aspects are what I’m seeking: “centre, core, hearth (home)”. They make me think of being grounded and in touch with my authentic self. However, I couldn’t shake those negative sides, so I’m left with seven words which truly reach me, and focus isn’t in there:


It’s perfect. Just one picking this time; it’s one the main three words I had intended to write down, one of the core aspects I feel I should be working on.

Serenity, Simplicity and Stillness.

What could be more perfect?

I had thought to have Focus until Dec 31st, then switch to Quiet for 2010, as two words can bring results as well as just one.



Tit on Fence
Tit on Fence

It’s raining and I can see a robin on a branch at the end of next doors garden. As I look to type, he moves. With his back to me, I can barely see him. Thankfully, he moves, and I once more hold him in my gaze. He ruffles his feathers, and a spray of fresh earthen precipitation flutters out, like sparks of a fire.

There’s something so deep about those who live in the forest, mysterious. As thought they connect to the spirit daily, as though they can teach us. They know something we don’t.

White deer, birds or horses, in literature, often symbolise a quest, and with the peaceful movement of the deer, the birds spiritual song and horses knowing eyes; is there any surprise we see them as messengers and guides?  For me, the deer is most important. Even though the forest holds many threats to them, they walk with serenity and grace.


And now there’s a tit on Charlie Brown (yes, we name our trees); not sure if it’s a coal tit or great tit from this distance, but it’s now as wet as the poor Robin.  


(Oh, and a big “Hello” to those of you who arrived here looking for topless pictures.)

I’ve made up a basket on and plan to order the books Friday, so that they arrive after Monday at my University house. I’m excited. An order than should cost just over £47 (for seven books, inc. one workbook) costs £21.95 🙂 That’s almost half price 😛 I’m excited =3   It’s going to be a wonderful year at University.  I can feel the buzzing potential; it’s enthralling.

Won’t you join me in my journey?


Hawks & Falcons

P Lanner 075

Lanner Falcon

 Spent the day at The Hawk Conservancy Trust near Andover today, in celebration of my birthday; which occurs later this week. I’ve been many times before, but never taken my other half. Also, I was able to do some of their adult-only activities; such as flying a Harris hawk. I haven’t been for 4 or 5 years, and was under 18 during my last visit. They’ve changed some of the layout of the park, and some of my favourites have retired from the shows, but it was still amazing. Some of the replacements are quite interesting characters.  The Lanner Falcon, Brahminy Kite and Peregrine are my favourites, (due to their lack of a Merlin) and we saw all three species today.


Although difficult to get to via public transport, it’s one of my favourite places to visit and I’d recommend it to anyone interested in birds or wildlife – there’s a meadow of wild flowers which attract butterflies, include housing for small mammals such as field voles and mice, and if you like views of the countryside; you really can’t beat the view from the valley of the eagle. Other birds shown today include European Kestrel, European Buzzard, American Bald Eagle, five species of Vulture, polecats, ferrets, many owls, falcons, hawks, ducks and chickens.

Brahminy Kite

Brahminy Kite

They also house the only captive Bustards in Europe, as part of a programme to re-introduce them to the wild in the UK.


Having a lazy day tomorrow and then celebrating my birthday and my monthly anniversary with my husband with a trip to pizza hut. ^_^

My reading challenge shall be suspended this week; although my other half is slowly teaching me Biology so I’ll understand both the Brain and Behaviour module and Psychobiology class during the next academic year.


Have a wonderful week and enjoy the weather.



May09Esbat 028Darkly Fey has a post about resistance over at her blog which got me thinking. And wondering if this lack of motivation I’ve been mentioning lately has some form of resistance to it. I’m constantly trying to form and change my inner self. And also change the outer self, in separate ways.  To act confident and calm and cool on the outside while still feeling the depths of compassion, my inner light and power; while still allowing my poet out and not lying to myself about being confident when I’m not.

I don’t really need my three years of Psychology training to decide that perhaps, working for two opposing goals may hinder my progress in both visions.

Darkly states in her post that some of her “attempts at thriving backfired because [she] wasn’t ready”.

I have a feeling that this is at least one facet of the issue with impatience. I want to be ready and perfect now. I want to be happy with myself in the now; in the present moment. I don’t want to be the young woman who struggles due to hormones and new situations; because she’s young and still creating her personality. I want to be the 30 year old woman with a husband and kids. I want that stability so much. I don’t want to party, to discover and travel the world; I want to learn and love, to laugh and teach. To thrive and to be.

But I want to be her; that woman who looks like me but has control of her emotions, who has an eloquence of her being and meets the challenges of life with her husband. It’s a romantic image and certainly an unrealistic state without any active work towards it.

In all the romance of novels that I’ve read [Nora Roberts], there’s this incessant need between the couple; which is what allows them to so say with true conviction that no-one will ever love the other like they do. I know there’s a life in books and the life that is.
And yet I still want the romantic scenes of overcoming issues together. I don’t think it’ll be easy and I know it’ll cause a lot of heartache and I’ll change so dramatically both when I enter that stage and as I go through it. I know we’ll argue and we’ll cry; but isn’t that half the fun, half the point? To grow and learn and change together? To face the hurdles; creating a stronger foundation?

I hope I can learn to be more patient before entering it so that I will be able to deal with those changes at least somewhat more smoothly than I would now. I know I’m not ready. I don’t think when emotional; I don’t consider the consequences of certain actions and I don’t know how to be myself.

So why is the want; that image which I know will take effort if I’m ever to achieve it, so difficult to work towards? How does one begin to change themselves in such a way; especially when their foundation is built on a past of negativity?

My guess is awareness; and then a clearing of the closet; some alternatives. Could I walk away from an argument without having the last word? Could I breathe and count to ten before speaking? To, as Darkly put it, start “clearing out the garbage I’d collected after childhood”.

Today I plan to really clear up my room. I want a simpler life and that involves getting rid of the junk cluttering my space. If my top three priorities include meditation, yoga and dance; I need some space in which to practise those. It’s no wonder I don’t want to do half these things when it involves tidying up a space of floor before I even begin.

If you have any advice on patience, on re-programming your mind, motivating yourself or on clearing mental clutter, please leave a comment and let me know.  (=

Stars Above,

Session One

It’s now technically week two of my reading challenge, but considering I only spent an hour a day maximum reading while on holiday, I’m not sure I’m counting it. For the sake of updates, I’ll just say this is my update for Section 1 – after all, the weeks won’t matter by the end of summer; regardless of labels.

My book-case, minus the ten titles beside my bed..

My 6 shelf book-case minus the ten volumes beside my bed

So; I’ve completed two fiction books and am half way through Soul Signs and Buddhism: plain and simple. I also got another 30 pages into Nothing Special. Unlike the others, I re-started Buddhism by Steve Hagen so that I could fully take the concepts and try to widen the likelihood of understanding it. I keep wanting to take notes, but I’m noticing that’s probably the last thing the author would encourage considering my current state of mind.

I’m taking at least a 24 hour break between finishing a fiction book and starting a new one; which can account for the date gaps in completing books I finished in a few hours. I’ve also read two editions of Psychologies magazine and spent a good few hours reading blog posts.

My aim is to finish Buddhism by 26th July. Having read 70 pages in about.. 6 hours.. if I only took an hour a day, I’d still likely finish it’s 160 pages in over a week (over 7 hours). Once I’ve finished it, I’m hoping to switch to City Dharma: a guide to stress-free urban living, which I’ve got 139 pages left to read. It’s also a lot lighter (though apparently it’s still classed as “very heavy in places”, I find it an easy, though ‘full’ read. Arthur Jeon brings up many points in a page, and being 380 pages, it’s very fulfilling, kind of like Guinness. It’s a literary roast dinner.
I’m hoping going back to a lighter book will help inspire me with some motivation.

What are your plans for the next week or two?


Motivation: the hows

I often find in reading cohesive and eloquently written work, it sparks my inner scholar who wishes to know everything. It doesn’t turn on curiosity or inquisitiveness; just the desire to already be learned; without any motivation to work for it.
How do you spark your motivation?

When I read posts by people I admire who write words such as “I started to meditate again” or “I cleared out the corner to make space for an altar” I feel inspired to meditate; and motivated to tidy. I feel no motivation to sit down and meditate – just the wish without the want.

It’s a strange phenomena in my opinion. How does one teach oneself to be hard-working. I guess I need to work and then find a reward or some form of ‘fulfilment’ which I can then use as a booster for the next task – but how to start taking that first step.
I’ve always struggled with the first couple of steps of the staircase.

Each time I’m motivated to find that scholar I feel is within me; it’s temporary. Once I’ve been researching for 20 minutes or so, I’m into it and could likely carry on learning for an hour without a second thought. Unfortunately, I tend to lose focus 5-10 minutes into it.

I feel this great desire to be learned – to love and know literature and to be well versed in a few subjects; and hopefully have a good breadth of knowledge (a jack-of-most-trades) at a wide spectrum. I’d love to be an awesome singer or writer, while wishing to be still reasonably good at dancing, listening, learning, keep perspective, staying fit (weights, karate), meditation, reading and keeping my cool. 

I’ve decided (yeah, you recognise where this is going) once I’m settled at University (hopefully in those two weeks before my course re-starts) to meditate daily. I’ve wondered if the lack of structure is an issue; but then again, if I make it too much effort I know I won’t do it.

If I can’t manage to sit cross legged on my bed in my Pajamas, what hope have I of lighting incense, & a candle.  I have all these plans but never take action. Half of these plans, even once split up into things I have real motivation for; I barely make it past the first day. The wish is not strong enough to creative motivation.


So that’s my question. How do you cultivate motivation? How did you learn as a child to work hard? Were you mis-labelled which taught you to prove teacher’s wrong? How do you encourage your children to work hard?
How do you find that want within you?