This is a post-it note which sits above my light-switch in my bedroom. It’s right beside the door. The wire connects my computer to the router (and thus the internet). I’ve placed it there so I’ll have to really stop and focus on what it says (to read it past the wire) and maybe even move the wire to read it. This creates a strong focus on the words, hopefully keeping my mind focused on choosing and intending patience. I’ve written the word alacrity there to remind me of one of Christine Kane’s blog posts, about intention. It’s a trigger word. It’s my Choice.
I’ve spent many years trying to be more like specific others. Others who also had traits I desperately didn’t want. There’s a fine line between obsessive cloning and incorporating traits of those you admire into yourself. I’m finally at a point where I’m building from ME. From myself, my own foundation; building more of me onto it. And perhaps the impatience is the fear of losing this new building and going back to taking from others.
My friend is going on a course/workshop in September on Reiki. I’ve never done an official course on energy healing, yet I have had positive results when attempting to heal people with my own energy (and using their own to heal them). I wouldn’t say I’ve healed people, but I tend to believe I’ve helped. From SO’s brother who couldn’t be left unattended for a week in case he stopped breathing to someone with tennis elbow to calming athsma attacks. I do what I can, but I wouldn’t say I’m a healer.
Her choice got me thinking. I would like to go on a course or retreat, a workshop or meeting where I can learn something which really speaks to me. I love my degree course and enjoy it; but I’m looking at things that will aid me in a spiritual manner. I’m taking my time choosing, as there are a couple of choices; but also because I’m one who weighs everything. However, in a state of fear, I rush, and often it’s not the best solution. I don’t want to rush into the first or cheapest course because I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep building.
There are Buddhist retreats in Sussex, the Druid group Anderida Gorsedd hold two camps and a conference each year, the Wiccan group I know held a camp this year, and I’d also quite like to visit Scotland – Marie asked me to come visit her and I think next Summer I’ll take her up on the offer. I’d love to see it, to feel the truths of the place. I’ve also yet to visit Stonehenge. Now, Stonehenge is the cheapest, then Scotland (because of Marie’s kind offer to put me up in her house). And I do learn a lot from her. She keeps me conscious. She’s a brilliant teaching influence in my life; constantly catching me whenever I’m negative about myself (things so rote, I don’t notice anymore).
But I may find that one of the courses which will allow me to actually practise new techniques or speak with many other people, may be more beneficial. But as I said a few posts back, like Darkly Fey used to find; perhaps I’m not ready for this yet. Unfortunately, with no income, and falling £7,000 in debt with the government every single year (and I’d like to do post-graduate study); I’m in a position where I can “save-up” for these retreats, courses or workshops. At this point, (before they take this years £7,000 to add to last years) I think I’d be ready (it would push my fear boundaries to hell, but I know I could do it and I’d like to push them) to visit Marie. I’d prefer to do it in the Summer Holidays, as I’ll be seeing her in about a month and it would make more sense to do it in a 3.5 month void. But who knows what the year will bring.
For now, I choose patience.
I intend it.
My name is Rose, and I choose Patience.
What Do You Choose?