November 1st 2008
It’s November 1st. All saints day for those Christians out there, Celtic or Pagan new year for those of us who follow the Pagan wheel of the year. A time for new starts and letting go of old habits. I have a few habits I want to pick up. I want to lose the habit of not sticking to a new exploration – I want to lose the days I don’t leave offerings for faeries or show gratitude for everything I have. I want to lose the habit of speaking so much. I want to stop “trying” (and failing) to fit in, since it actually casts me further out.
I want to keep up metta-bvhanna before meditation on Mondays, and stick to my Unicycling club on Wednesdays and Fridays. I want to lose this “eating junk food between meals” habit.
And I want to enjoy every moment. To let go of the future and past, to be and to really feel. I won’t manage this always, but there are times when it would help. I want to lose the habit of losing control of my emotions so often.
November 2nd 2008
Due to a blog I read earlier, I’ve started to read the book Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millman, which I found in a book sale 2 weeks ago. The blogger stated one section, commenting that they had been using the technique for years.
Similarly, I’ve just found a part abut how sorrow can inhibit action, while anger is a good motivator for change.
In the past, anger is how I’ve motivated myself – usually anger at myself. Unfortunately (or maybe not?), I used it to change myself in ways that actually harmed me and therefore I’ve been reluctant to give it another go. It seems I had cracked the secret of the body’s internal alchemy. Now I’ve forgotten and appear to be a little rusty.
I think it’s quite intriguing how I’m reading this book about dissolving old habits, the day after I should be beginning to dissolve them.
I’ve read all of these lessons before – but as the author points out many times – I need to experience them before they’ll actually truly set in. He suggests using a baby as inspiration when it comes to letting emotions be felt. In my walks home from college, I’d look at the children playing and smile. So happy they appeared. And I remember that I was happy, happy enough with no friends and being bullied because I knew nought else – I didn’t know it wasn’t normal, and I didn’t know that it was meant to hurt.
The guy in my house just told me he’d killed a spider, I mentioned that his bible specifies “thou shalt not murder” (or words to that effect) and he shrugged it off and we got into Darwinism. He made a comment which I disagreed with… and I laughed. I felt this “don’t give in to the bait, just chill” and I laughed. It felt good to let go of the argument that had yet to begin.
We all know I’ll probably be yelling at him again before long, but I feel a bit more.. powerful in control of my reactions today.
Being in control means= that I make everything MY BUSINESS. ~ GoldenZen
My first thought “that’s a really good one.” I’d never realised it like that.
“The only reason it hurts is because somehow I give it power to hurt. Unfair criticism is after all, someone else’s opinion. Is that my business? What I think of myself and the person who spoke, that is my business. I can choose, as Eckhart Tolle suggests, to be transparent. Their words find no matter, no resistance, no one to hurt. If I know who I am, and I am in connection with myself, I am able to allow others their opinion without it having much to do with me. It may sting for a second, and then I remember, who I am. That’s all I need to know.” ~ GoldenZen
I used to be in a lot more control over this. Living in the middle of nowhere between two towns, I didn’t see many people in real life and I found that the only opinions that mattered were those of my close friends. If someone shouted “Oi, bitch!” at me I’d turn around, thank them for the compliment and ask what they wanted. I’d smile at insults thinking to myself “well, they can believe those lies if they want. I know I’m not fat/useless/have no friends – in fact my friends are most likely a lot more beneficial for me than theirs are, since I’ve never fought with mine, and they accept me as I am.” As a housemate said last week – to cope with some situations, it’s almost the best answer to show them compassion from pity, and say to yourself that they don’t know any better. That way you don’t fight fire with fire, and can send them some form of compassion.
It seems the more I read of suggestions and realisations, I notice I used to have no problem utilising them as action – but I was so unhappy and actually numbed myself from a lot of emotions in order to deal with it.
Now my heart’s been opened to new emotions, now I FEEL, it’s harder to find those places of calm and smiles and not taking anything personally without getting that numbness back.
It’s my goal for this Celtic year. We’ll see how it goes.
I hope you all have a fantastic and fulfilling week,